Man Commits Assault Carrying Dead Weasel…Er…I Mean Marten!


A Hoquiam, Washington man got the surprise of his life when an intruder burst through his apartment door carrying a dead weasel under his arm. The intruder immediately started assaulting the man, who he assumed was his girlfriend’s new piece. Can’t imagine why she would wanna dump such a stand-up guy!

Naturally the victim asked the question we are all dying to know the answer to.

“Why are you carrying a weasel?”

The attacker answered: ‘It’s not a weasel, it’s a marten,’ before punching him in the nose and running away. He did not add  ” And you sir, are a complete effing MORON for not knowing the difference!”  But I’m pretty sure he thought it. Because look:



I mean clearly even a child could tell the difference! This image also came up when I did a google image search for marten:

Now if this was the dead marten the attacker was carrying over his shoulder…than clearly I can see the frustration the attacker had towards the victim’s ignorance about the Mustelidae Family. But I’m pretty sure it’s not…Marten must have been one of Liberace’s boyfriends. But I digress…

The attacker left the carcass behind, when he fled the scene.

Police later found the attacker several streets away arguing with his girlfriend.

Despite being at gunpoint he refused to surrender, tried to fight officers several times and held his ground until a dog unit was called in for back-up.

Like I said…real stand-up guy.

The man was charged with assault and burglary, reckless driving without a license and resisting arrest. No charges were filed in the death of the marten.

The attacker told police he had found the dead marten near Hoquiam, but police don’t know why he carried it with him to the apartment.

And scene!